TOP TEN FACEBOOK DON'TS

1. Don't be friends with girls who dumped you. She doesn't get to know anything about you anymore because she doesn't deserve too...cuz she’s that bitch who broke your heart.

2. Don't hit on other girls on their walls or under there photos if you are trying to mac on another girl. SHE CAN SEE THAT SHIT.

3. Don’t come on too strong. Add her then wait a few days, then write her a message.

4. Don’t write: “Jake is lonely today.” Or “Jake wishes he were dead”. While interesting, not necessarily attractive. Only write positive or funny things on your statuses.

5. Don’t give it away for free. Set yo shit to private. She should feel privileged to be your friend.

6. Don’t keep up every tagged photo. If someone tags you doing something lame or on an ugly day, un-tag it, no need to show her you can drink out of a toilet bowl or your eye gets lazy when you tie tie.

7. Don’t switch your relationship status till you are totally together, for a fact.

8. Don’t message girls with a “my how you have grown” type of statement. “Damn girl you grew up sexy” YUCKO!

9. Don’t add chicks you’ve never met in person or it will stay that way.

10. Don’t leave everything on your wall. If your friend writes a post about how you ate cat poop on a dare in 5th grade, DELETE!

Top Ten Ways to Get Through Her PMS

1. Lay Low. Don't say anything about her or be controversial in any area. She will contort it into you being attracted to her best friend since the second grade or the fact you think her dad's a tackyturtle neck wearing moron.

2. Whatever she says in her fit of irritation andrage, 99 percent of the time she doesn't remotely mean it. (shit just flies out of our mouths, shit we want to destroy you with...)

3. Don't try to make out with her. She will go for it the night before her period. Before that anything you dowillmake her snap yo dick off.

4. Bring sweets to her, apparently uteruses love ice cream.

5. Tell her you are so happy to be with her if she asks you what you are thinking. Other than that keep your lips shut.

6.Offer to massage her ovaries and get her Midol if she asks for it. Anytime you can spend running to the store is less time with her crazy ass.

7. Get DVD's of sad stories of homeless mothers and crack addicted street hustlers. The more she cries over stuff that doesn't involve you, the better.

8. If she starts crying, hold her. If you don't naturally do this, break up with her and start dating a man.

9. Mark that shit on your calendar! You need to be prepared for war or an earthquake with a kit.

10. Work late.

Top Ten Club Don'ts

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DON'T keep talking to a girl that claims to be a lesbian, that's a good time to move on.

DON'T use hair gel, it’s called wax people. If your hair can't come within 2 feet of an open flame, it won't be allowed near any other warm things later.

DON'T copy moves from Justin Timberlake, you aren’t him and you never will be.

DON’T just stand there either. Bob your head and bend your legs or whatever it is real men do.

DON'T bring your bro and try to pawn him off on some poor unsuspecting girl's friend while you try to hit on her. Its so sad for both parties, knowing that they are the lesser. It will backfire on you majorly, for not only will the girl's friend be pissed but so will your friend for making him stand with little miss angry.

DON'T wear a gay shirt. If you don't know what a gay shirt is, wear a plain white t-shirt and memorize the following: A Gay Shirt: anything floral, pink, unbuttoned to show off perfectly manicured gay chest hair, flared at the wrists, tight, swirly colors and lines, anything from H & M or anything a girl could get away with wearing.

DON'T tell a girl she's the only one in the club who's "normal looking". Even though you mean it as a compliment, she won't take it as one.

DON'T stare at the "models" or "dancers". They will never ever, ever, date you anyways plus you’ll look like a huge boner.

DON’T, as a general note, be a “metro-sexual” it’s gross and totally getting you nowhere.

DON’T tell girls to smile. Who are you anyways? That makes us sick to our stomachs.

Top Ten Online Dating Ad Mistakes

1. Ads with a "My Pic gets Yours" picture instead of a real one...how bout you put yourself out there for once? Isn't that half your problem wall flower?

2. Any mention of your weight...210...what does that even mean?

3. Blurry pictures taken 10 years ago...wow my dad has that shirt...weird.

4. Sex talk in general, especially the word “pleasure”.

5.A picture of a cute puppy or car that may or may not be yours.

6. Pictures of your abs...congrats you made your body do that, now cut it out.

7. Making your ad more than 5 sentences in length...Ok its really sweet that you cook your grandma dinner on Sundays but come on sista knock it off with the talk fest, I’m bored!

8. Pictures of chicks with their faces cut out all serial killer style...please we all know she’s either your sister or some party promo girl from the club.

9. Not spell checking! Have Bob from accounting proof read that shit!

10. Nerdy Internet abbreviations or smiley faces. LOL

How to Get the Ol' GF to Give You a BJ

Note: These rules only apply to guys who are in a real relationship with someone.

1. Tell her she looks "really beautiful" when you first see her(use that word. if you say hot she thinks you want to have sex, which grossesmostwomen out)

2. Say thatyour friend sawsome girl at work or schoollooking at you like she was in to you, and that it made you sick.

3. Buy her flowers. Trader Joes has them for like 3 bucks. Three dolla halla!

4. Here's a real mind blower for her: frame a picture of the two of you and give it to her or better yet have it out on your desk when she comes over.

5. Make her a mix CD. Act embarrassed to give it to her, which makes it even sweeter. (yucko i feel like Cosmo for Men right now, sick)

6. Ask her out on a date for a few days from then and take her toa play or something that you normally would hate to do. The whole time hang in there repeating the mantra "making her happy makes me happy".

7. Go to a movie with a bunch of hot chicks in it. Afterwards tell her they all look fake and too skinny.

8. Tell her your voting for Hillary. (This would work for me)

9. Say, "I've never had a good BJ, it hurts when girls do it." (this only works when she's never given you one before)

10. Take her to your parents house for dinner (I don't know why, and don't want to get into the psychology of this, but this always works)

Top Ten Signs You Are a Zygote

Something's up with me (Jet) lately. Something called the younger man. I doubt I'm old enough to have a younger man, but I sure am feelin creepy lately. Something about 20 somethings (in case you were retarded, as I'm sure many of you are) every year is an eternity and within that eternity you are evolving from newt to dinosaur or something like that, I never really paid attention in science class, but you get the idea.Maybe when you're in your thirties things change but in your quarter life crisis dating someone three years younger makes you feel like you and Michael Jackson should be besties. Signs you may fall into the category of a younger man are as follows:

1. You live with your mom in her living room on an air mattress.
2. You think you are going to be a rapper, and you aren't kidding.
3. You wear saggy pants with your boxers sticking out and it’s not for Mike's annual white trash party.
4. You call your friends "fags" when you are mad at them.
5. You work at the Vans store.
6. You have a fake id that you've never used.
7. You go to a Junior College, but don't have any plans beyond that.
8. You get wasted and tell girls you just met that you love them, as in you use the actual word love.
9. You’ve never seen an HBO series.
10. You are attracted to me.

Top Ten Signs She Likes You

1. She talks about activities she likes doing or mentions a new movie she really wants to go to.

2. She asks you questions about yourself and seems like she really wants to know the answers.

3. She teases you.

4. She has a nickname for you.

5. She touches you, even to play fight.

6.She doesn't really mention other guys she finds attractive.

7. You have her phone number.

8. You make her laugh, like a lot.

9. You catch her looking at you.

10. She wastes her precious time talking to you.

Top Ten Myspace Mistakes

1. You stalk her. If you read her comments dated back 4 months, fine- who doesn't?, but if you let her know, that little stalker bell in her head will go off loud and clear.

2. You make her #1 in your top 8 prematurely. No matter what, keep her out of your top 8 until you've already agreed in real life to make each other #1.

3. You change your Relationship Status. Repeat after me: Do Not Touch the Status. Girls and guys both make this mistake WAY too much. Why jump the gun and announce to the world I'm In A Relationship? Since Tom failed to give us a viable option in between Single and In A Relationship (thanks, Tom), we have no choice but to argue in our heads: but we're not single: we're dating!! Well, Tom obviously doesn't care, so leave the status alone, unless you decide to go with Swinger, which is a pretty gay choice.

4. You request to become friends with her friends. It will get back to her, believe me. And she'll either feel an invasion of privacy or will get pissed off and think you're hitting on her friends. So just back off. If her friends decide they love you and want to invite you to join their group Hot Latin Chicks or whatever, then go for it. But not until then.

5. You become a comment-posting machine. Go check her page. It's ok, I'm giving you permission this time. If the last 4 consecutive comments are from you and you alone, then it's time to take a virtual vacation from the comments. No matter how many witty things you can think of to say, or how many awesome images you find, just hold off and give some of her other friends a chance.

6. You put a picture of you and her sucking face as your default picture. Do Not Do.

7. You forget that she spies on you too, which of course she does. So keep that in mind and know that any bone headed comments you post on your best friend's page about her or other girls will be read by her as well.

8. You get caught spying. I don't know if those "See Who Views Your Profile" things work or not, but let's err on the side of caution. Use a secret profile if you check her page more than 3 times a day. *3 is a pretty arbitrary number actually. I just made it up, so that is open for interpretation.

9. You put stupid stuff on your page, like Hobbies: Titties. No self respecting girl will date a boy that thinks boobs are an extracurricular activity.

10. All of your top 8 are Playboy models you don't know. See number 9 about the self respecting girl part.

Top Ten Things She says Instead of "It's Never Going to Happen"

We've all said these things; maybe you've even said these things to someone. The truth is if a girl likes you she will not say anything that may derail your possible relationship. She may have a "no guys withspider webtattoos policy" but once she meets you her whole world changes and she throws those rules out the window. Look dude, a drunk dial at 1am asking you to come over and watch 90210 DVDs may get you a little oral, but if you really like her that’s never going to be enough. You are better than that, most of the time, and you want someone who actually knows how fuckin kick ass you are! Don't waste your time withchicks who pull any of the following lines out on you because what they really mean is it’s never gonna happen, not in any real way anyways.

1. "I only date black guys." (Also see Jewish, Christian, white, republicans, swimmers...etc)

2. "I'm going through a very painful break-up."

3. "I have a boyfriend."

4. "I have a girlfriend."

5. "You remind me of my brother."

6. "I might be moving and I don't want to get attached to anyone."

7. "I need to be single right now."

8. "I'm doing a lot of house repairs/ writing a screenplay/ trying to get an agent, etc."

9. "I'm afraid going out would ruin our friendship."

10. "My sponsor says I can't date till I finish step 4."