For Those Who Text...

Okay, we've talked about this before, but I think you guys need a little reminder. I have heard from two of my girlfriends in the past week that there is a case of chronic texting without calling going around. Sure, you don't want to blow a girl up on her phone every 5 minutes, but if you're gonna text a girl, "How was your day?", you might as well text her, "What is your opinion on affirmative action?", because she's gonna have to answer in essay form, and then she'll have a mean case of carpal tunnel before she even gets to lunch. So if you really want to know how her day was, pick up the phone!

If you are gonna text, ask a question that's easy to answer. I was with my friend last night and she got the following text: "You were right. Maggie Grace is a terrible actress. I'm watching TAKEN right now."  What is she supposed to say to that? "Yes, you're right. I am right."????? No. She has nothing to say to that. She has been muted by texting. Paralyzed. And it's a shame because it could have been sooooo easy. All he needed to do was add a simple "What are you up to?" or "Still hanging with your friend?" to the end of that text, and BOOM, something she could actually answer! So boys, do a girl a favor, and when texting, put a question mark in there somewhere. You can do that for us, right????

Punching a Gift Horse in the Mouth….JET

Ok guys. Please stop asking, “Should I buy her this/give her that to show I like her?” If she’s not your girlfriend you don’t buy/give her anything! Got that? Nothing! We met a guy once who brought something to give a girl on the first date!!! AHHH! Nothing says insane like, “here ‘girl I don’t know’, I brought you a present.” That’s for creepy guys in vans or on ‘To Catch a Predator’ trying to lure underage girls and you are too young for that shit. Yes you pay for the date, of course, but no you don’t need to do anything on top of that. See because if a girl is attracted to you, the first interactions are just a series of trying to see what’s wrong with you. They are trying to figure out why don’t have a girlfriend. If you are giving her gifts right off the bat she’s going to have more fuel for her fire. She’s goina think: “why does this cute, smart, funny guy think he has to buy me something too? Something is wrong with him and I’m going to get to the bottom of this.” Worse yet she could be thinking: “Man this guy is hard up, has he ever been out with a chick in his life? He must be so desperate.” I’m are not saying it’s not the best thing in the world to get something your boyfriend thought of you for, but re-read that I said BOYFRIEND.

GUYS: Giving her Advice....Jet

This has never worked in the history of man kind: GIVING HER ADVICE OR LISTENING TO HER RATTLE OFF ABOUT HER EX OR CURRENT BOYFRIEND or father for that matter. She will never think of you as an actual dude if you don't stop that shit immediately. Let her cry to her girlfriends-NOT YOU!!! If you sit there and listen to that shit it would be like slowly becoming a woman in her eyes. IT DOESN'T WORK!!! Be the guy she's crying about, not the guy she's crying too!!! If you feel the urge to get into it, YOU MUST RESIST.Shoulders to cry on are the guys GIRLS USE until they find that guy they will actually get with. Don't be that shoulder!!! We love you toomuch to see that happen to you!!!

Guys Who Finally Get Laid...JET

So there are a bunch of guys out there who are really hard up, hard up for SEX or any almost version of it. That’s fine; we’ve all been hard up in our lives, Wing Girls included. Great. Fabulous. Wonderful. Being hard up makes guys do all sorts of crazy ass shit, that’s ok too. Girls can accept that. What I can’t accept is that when this hard up dude finally gets laid he abandons his previous life and is crazy rude to his former girl friends. No, not ex-girlfriends, in which case he shouldn’t be talking to them anyways, I’m talking his friends that are girls that have listened to him through sick and through poor. It’s just weird that penis insertion could make a guy who was previously super nicey mcnice turn into a royal fucking dick wad over night. Baffling really. I thought that shit was supposed to make guys happier. I thought getting pussy makes guys feel right in the world, like helping old ladies across the street and shit. Unfortunately with some guys I’ve noticed the exact opposite, they turn into massive assholes who think because they found someone to fuck them they don’t need anyone else. What? Someone to watch Family Guy with and rub my balls? What more could I ask for in this life? Bye friends. Bye Family. Bye Hobbies, Aspirations and Goals. Bye Personality. And Especially Bye girls who I was keeping around hopping that one day they would drunk fuck me or something. Some guys are just keeping their girl friends around and being super nice because they want us to sleep with them one day. That totally sucks. The thing is my friend, who recently did this, I was really happy for him! The girl is pretty and nice and I was completely stoked! Then he started getting this attitude with all his friends like “I have a gf now my life is complete, and I’m also a giant douche now!” So lame. So to all my boys who are on the verge of getting some action, don’t forget the rest of the world. Remember that being totally submerged in booby does not give you free asshole range. Also on a side note, or in closing, remember that the girl that is sleeping with you does not find any of this behavior attractive. When she sees how easy it is to be your whole world, she wonders whats wrong with you. How could someone abandon everything for me? He must not have anything going for himself. Also in terms of time if you spend every second with her she is going to be totally turned off. So even if you would rather die be nice to the people in your life and make time to hang out with your friends and family, no matter how much you’d rather be neck deep in lady privates.

A word or two Regarding Sandals...JET

If you wear sandals, (Teva, Birkenstocks, etc…we are not talking flip flops here people we are talking leather strapped up sandals), you might as well beg God to make you a virgin. Look we are understanding girls, if you have to take the garbage out, are showering in a communal locker room or going to the tide pools searching for hermit crabs, then we can make an exception. But no, and I repeat no respectable girl would ever even consider the possibility of making out with a guy wearing these. If you put these on your feet it’s like telling the world, “I am completely void of any shred of sexuality I once possessed.” Here’s the thing, even if you were the hottest, sexiest, guy on the planet (which you are not but let’s just use this example in its purest form) if a girl was scanning your body from the hair down: “perfect hair, look at that face, wow that body, and ended with your---your what? Your hideous Jesus sandals!” ,her girl boner will go down immediately. Pretend there is a string directly attached from your sandals to her gag reflex. That’s how serious this is guys! The thing is guy’s shoes are really easy. Step one-go to any run of the mill mall store buy anything except sandals and call it a day. If you are really insistent on letting your probably nasty, hairy feet breath, do it, but for God sakes, do it with flip flops. There is also word of something far more detrimental than any of the aforementioned, and that is the notorious sock/sandal combo and if you do such a thing to your feet I hope its worth it because the odds of you touching a real live boob at that point is slim to none.

Cartoon Tats...Now That's Attractive! JET

Oh mind-blowingly hideous tattoo, who thought you were ok? What redheaded manboy found he needed a Yoda to laser fight his freckles? Do you actually think, even for one moment since getting this tattoo, that a woman with both her legs would find this attractive? I say boooo to this tattoo. The force is not, in fact, strong with this one. If I saw this tattoo on a guy I would seriously have to question my sexual orientation and reason for living. Thought process of such a man must have been:"I know! I know! I'm goina get a nerdy cartoon tattoo, that will really rake em in! Girls will be lining up to see if Yoda will be able to shake that big mole off his laser!" Or maybe it was "I never want to have sex again! I'm sick of sex! Its a dirty thing and I don't want to do it anymore! I know just the trick!"

RIP Goatee.......JET

I'm so glad these guys found someone to make them feel like they made a good choice regarding facial hair-- someone to turn to when girls look at them and cringe.Here's the deal, we are willing to accept that these guys were somehow transported to a time in the mid nineties when they were both in a band called Sound Garden. But now they are back and something must be done. When a girl looks into a guy's eyes she doesn't want to see her own unkempt vagina staring back at her. If by chance a man with a goatee does start kissing a girl and she says she likes it, she may be a lesbian. On no planet is this a good choice. It’s Tacky Mctackerson and also makes you look ugly. Its not like, "Well I know this is out of style but its so flattering." Because it's not. I promise you. If a girl has the imagination to see you without your goatee and agrees to go out with you, you better believe she will ask you to shave that shit before she introduces you to her friends.Sporting this look is like walking around with a t-shirt that says "I Heart Humiliation", and we all know you don't.

Mr. Gingivitis....JET

I, Jet, do solemnly swear not to go out with anymore guys who don't meet hygienic standards and practice a small amount of self care. With that said, a while ago I hung out with a man who did not make it a point to figure out why his gums where bright red. Hello rampant gum disease! Ewww. They looked an inch away from bleeding!Even thinking about it makes me want to crawl into a ball and cry.This is sort of a pattern with me-- trying to look past things that I don't want to look past. Its like when I was dating this chain smoker a couple of years ago. I hate cigarettes. They literally make me sick and yet here I was taking it to the dome 24/7. Pathetic. Just because I liked his band didn't mean I had to ignore his rotting yellow teeth.I also know this guy who constantly has peeling lips. So not kissable. Get some chapstick, dude, and if it's a little herp then get some Abreva. So many fixable things, so little time. If you think the girl you're dating does not refer to you as "Mr.Gingivitis" you are gravely mistaken my friend.And if you think her and her peeps don't sit around conjuring up ways to let you know, you are again mistaken.I like teeth and I like 'em white and clean. I'm not talking super white (a girl can dream can't she?) I'm just talking in the white family. There is a thing called a tongue scraper too guys, it's like 2 bucks, and it can change your life. Also for those of you who are too busy to actually floss (I feel you), then there are these sticks with the floss already attached. It's easy and if you forget you can always do it in the car. Also Listerine mouth wash is never a bad idea. It seems pretty obvious and simple. You should begetting a dental cleaning every 6 months. If you do all that I say and your teeth are looking good, and you still have bad breath then the problem is probably with your nose. You see if you have bad allergies or throat stuff goin on then your breath could suffer. So go to the doctor and tell him to check you out. Look bro, I'm assuming you have enough strikes against you so this should be a given. Clean teeth and good breath. You don't want to go through your whole life with an invisible asterisk that says "but has a rancid mouth".Girls can see that even if you can't and she can only hold her breath for so long.

Post Coital Quotes from Hell.....JET

There is a rising epidemic swelling in the bedroom and it fuckin burns. It’s yet another case of the “men don’t remotely understand women” and its manifesting itself in incorrect responses we've been hearing post coital in 20 something’s studio apartments across the country. It occurs directly after asking the infamous "What are you thinking right now?” Girls ask this question, whether they want to or not. It just shoots out of our mouths like vomit before we can reason with it. We say it because you, the guy, haven't said what you should have said or most likely you haven't said anything at all. So we ask you, then we cringe, knowing we have stabbed ourselves in the needy girl foot. When we say it we don’t literally mean “What is your manly ADHD brain thinking this exact second?” What we're implying is: "What are you thinking about you and me? Was that good? Did you like it? Do you like me? Make me feel secure right now. Give me a little something to help me fall asleep." What you should have said, believe it or not, wasn’t, and this is a direct quote, "I was looking at your curtains and thinking...I need to get curtains for my apartment." We were thinking something more along the lines of "I was just thinking how lucky I am to be with you." Just memorize that. Or maybe a "You are so beautiful." Memorize this right now. Look we know you’re stupid afterwards, we know your dick and your brain are like Clark Kent and Superman. That’s why you have to practice this like anything else in life. It will save you a lot of time and effort explaining your actions or wondering why we don't feel like touching you anymore. With us it’s all about what you say, and if you don't say anything or you say something insane like, and again direct quote "I was thinking...man I was tired before and that was quite a workout.", then we will question what we were thinking sleeping with your ass in the first place. Let me save you the personal ridicule and her and all her friends the drama by giving you a simple instruction. Right after, during that moment of silence, turn to her and say something you feel about her, you know the reason you two are together, and kiss her. Then you can roll over and play dead. Lesson learned.

Crock of Shit.....JET

I was out the other day with no intention of being judgmental whatsoever when this seemingly normal dude totally ruined my buzz. I looked down to see what I thought was some sort of a whiffle ball and so I reached down to pick it up. To my dismay I found that this man actually had the whiffle ball wrapped around his foot! Seriously? Seriously? Why don't you just take a pill that says "warning: will actually make your penis turn inside itself or inch away like a frightened worm." Or how bout "warning: will make your balls appear to be the size of sesame seeds, do not wear if you have a desire to date or even mildly socialize with women who are not currently in comas or have not previously killed someone during a fit of rage because The Good Will didn't have any more wolf sweat shirts available." If you wear these, girls will hate you and think you are in the process of becoming a woman. Dads who wear these can be found in "Bi-Curious over 40" yahoo chat rooms or frantically rummaging through their wives sun dresses wondering what it would be like to wear a whole outfit and not just the shoes.